Need help with your relationship? He says if I am ever friends with boys at college (I currently attend an all-girls school), he will have to leave me, because he wont know how to handle his anxiety. I want you to trust that instinct, because what youve picked up on when you say I know this isnt the right thing to do! is that theres a difference between being loved by someone and being possessed by him. All rights reserved. All rights reserved. I agreed to stop saying that I love him. I have male friends who I message time to time and he seems to get incredibly jealous of this. All rights reserved. Whether you're together or not, they just don't want to see you with other men. This may be the conversation that prompts the person you're dating to tell you about the family issues that he or she has been trying to keep you away from, which can feel like a relief for both of you to have out in the open. 7. My boyfriend [27M] doesn't want me [22F] to have guy friends - Reddit But in healthy partnerships, as the relationship develops, a mutually comfortable balance is struck between connectedness and independence, and both people enjoy being together but also value and respect the other persons need for time apart. "Pocketing is a situation where a person you're dating avoids or hesitates to introduce you to their friends, family or other people they know, in-person or on social media, even though you've been going out for a while. It seems rude and controlling of my boyfriend for me to say sorry I cant really message you anymore as my boyfriend doesnt like me texting anyone male or something along those lines. But even if your family isn't as intense as mine, figuring out the right time to introduce your love interest to your family and friends is never easy. Privacy Policy. I feel so bad she kept acting like I was being naive and stupid for believing I could form an actual friendship with a guy. She was cheating on him for a few months, and she did a lot of awful stuff to him. And how do you know if it's happening to you? We have a great relationship, and both of us consider ourselves incredibly lucky to have found each other. I just agreed with him but its still not sitting right with me. By your relationship standards I would be unable to hang out with any of my friends without my boyfriend around, and I wouldn't be able to text anyone but him, because they would all be people I could potentially cheat with. I have never cheated in the past and I do not ever want to. 1. I even explained that those two friends had been there for me through some really awful events in my life, and nothing sexual ever happened between us. She told me these things not to make me jealous or to hurt me, but for me to understand she is happier since she met me than she ever has been and doesnt need to do these things anymore. After being told I was a liar over and over and over again, even though Ive been loyal to him, I told him that if he wanted to break up then we should because Im never going to win this fight. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Reddit, Inc. 2023. Sign up for our newsletter and follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Oftentimes the pocketer does not want their partner to meet friends and family; it's a way of creating space and distance in the relationship.". If you're sleeping in the same apartment, doing 1 on 1 dinners, saying "love you" after calls, and sending dress pics to the guy the least you can do is introduce your boyfriend to him. Adults do not go spend the night at their guy friends house when they are married. Zack Martin vs Cowboys Contract: Jerry Jones Reveals Why Dallas Moved 12. I want to have guy friends in addition to girl friends, just over text (never in person one on one) but boyfriend thinks that it's inappropriate. Its so unfair I feel so bad. But, the biggest issue we seem to have is my male friends. He doesn't have any female friends that i know of so its not a double standard but a lot of the rest seems spot on. My boyfriend won't allow me to be friends with any guys and we have been dating for over 2 years I'm f(20) he is m(22), does anyone have any advice on how to overcome this? All of this is to say that the way to build trust with your boyfriend isnt by acceding to his demands and neglecting your own needs; its by sharing with him how those demands make you feel and the impact they have on your relationship. Scan this QR code to download the app now. You clearly care about your boyfriend and empathize with the pain he feels over having been cheated on in prior relationships. All guys know that whenever another man comes into the picture with their girl there will be compitition, now not all guys are like this and they just want friendship, but I'm a guy, and I know how guys think when they are around women even if tha. It shouldn't be a huge fight every time you want to hang out with your friends. No matter what your family situation is like, that underlying fear that the person you think is so great may not jive with your family (or potentially worse, your family may not approve of them) can be overwhelming enough that avoiding those introductions all together feels like the best solution. Now, my boyfriend is upset because I was trying on dresses and sent photos to multiple people, including this friend. My Priest Told Me Hes Leaving His Priesthood for Me. Meaning I never see any of my friends. "Strike up a conversation with your new partner about how you're feeling and get curious," Perlstein says. With most things, I think that we work well together and could get married one day. Is it reasonable for him to be upset that I will text a guy friend or two about simple things like working out or school? Archived post. This has really damaged him, and he gets very anxious that I will want to be with someone else or will stop loving him one day. All rights reserved. My boyfriend doesnt want me to have male friends and that - Reddit Your relationship seems non-existent to the public eye," she says. Please enable javascript to sign up for newsletters. This has since become a Christmas tradition in our family, and as such, has deterred me from ever jumping the gun on introducing a significant other to my family unless I'm absolutely sure he's worth it. It's possible that they are not pocketing you, but their time frame works different from yours, you have different expectations about what a relationship looks like, and/or you're both viewing the relationship differently. and our Things were perfect for the first 8 months, and Ive visited him twice. I feel like I kept giving up people in my life and now it is too late to put my foot down because he expects me to end friendships since Ive been so willing so far. As far as i know he doesn't seem to have many female friends. After 8 months of dating, he randomly asked to see my Snapchat best friends list. He never goes to bars or clubs with his friends cause there just not that type. It can lead to abusive behavior, so youll want to suss out whats really going on with him right away. This was a shock to him. If the person you're dating has been particularly vigilant about not making your presence known on social media, there's also a chance he or she might be hiding you from someone else whether it's an ex, someone else they're seeing or a friend they hope to date at some point. He also gets very upset and threatens to leave any time I mention any boy I am acquainted with, and he worries about what will happen when I go to college soon. Put up a boundary, tell him that you appreciate his love for you but the ways that hes expressing it through jealousy are harmful to you. But it may . He can't stand seeing you with someone else. I am having a hard time getting these images out of my head. ", It can be a scary question to ask, but having an honest conversation about where the person you're dating thinks this is headed will also be key. I dont understand why Im still treated like the girl in this situation. conversation with your new partner about how you're feeling, Is someone 'orbiting' you on social media? My boyfriend said it doesn't matter if he has a gf, guys with girlfriends will still hit on their friends. My boyfriend was upset that i even responded to any texts and accused me of cheating on him and i was like hes just a childhood friend and he has a gf anyways. 5. Archived post. Reddit, Inc. 2023. You cant make him feel safe, because his trust issues have nothing to do with youand may not have all that much to do with his exes either. Cookie Notice He even gets upset if I message any boys, who are just friends, on social media. The problem is, by choosing familiar partners, people guarantee the opposite result: They reopen wounds and feel even more inadequate and unlovable. Before doing anything else, you should talk to your boyfriend, especially if you're still not sure of his reasons for not wanting to commit. We're in our early 20s and this is my first long term relationship. Generally speaking, at the very beginning of a relationship, a temporary merging between partners occurs in which both people seek quite a bit of togetherness while somewhat neglecting their outside interests and friendships. I have a busy schedule and things crop up randomly, so it is difficult to message sometimes. Archived post. I agreed that I would stay in a hotel if I went to see this friend again, because I get how it seems. I'm bisexual. Every week, Dear Prudence answers additional questions from readers, just forSlate Plusmembers. Here are the signs that it's happening to you. He doesn't seem to. "Pacing and awaiting the right time to offer an introduction is truly about bringing you and partner closer. All rights reserved. Here are 9 signs that you should keep swiping. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Group, a Graham Holdings Company. I understand the pain he has been through and I am very supportive of him, but sometimes I dont know what to do and just give in to what he wants, because I hate seeing him unhappy. She said she has had quite a wild sexual past. I know that as I get older (not in college anymore), these relationships will change. Hes busy with finals lately and i feel so alone. Similarly, people who have angry parents often end up choosing angry partners, those with alcoholic parents are frequently drawn to partners who drink quite a bit, and those who have withdrawn or critical parents find themselves married to spouses who are withdrawn or critical. All rights reserved. How to keep the fizz from fizzling out in your relationship. A 'pocketer' will often avoid making plans with groups of people, and seldom brings up their friends and family in conversation. However, so that I could understand her better, she recently told me some things about her past that have troubled me quite a bit. The idea that men and women can't be friends is shared by immature people who lack good life experience, and boomers. He insisted I get rid of them, and got really drunk and basically dumped me a couple days later (but that didnt last). And if your boyfriend isnt willing to do this work, if he cant accept that nobody can save him but himself, you can do something different than his other girlfriends didyou can end the relationship with candor and compassion, maybe having left him with a glimpse of what a future relationship might look like whenever hes ready to own his part in it. A 'pocketer' will often avoid making . He says he doesnt want me to have any guy friends but he says its not bc he is jealous or insecure and its not bc he doesnt trust me. When this stuff comes up I always get extremely dysphoric and sad cuz it doesnt feel fair. If you can't do that then you're lying to yourself about that friendship. --- So, I have always be willing to drop people he said he New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. The same goes for my bf, like bro you're a guy you have male friends and also have female friends. He also gets worried when I dont message for a while. Only one red flag: My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since January of last year. Submit questions here. All rights reserved. They make decisions for you. Q. Dear Therapist, My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, in a long-distance relationship (we live two and a half hours apart). For an optimal experience visit our site on another browser. At first, he said he didn't want me to have one-on-one dinners with my guy friends because they seemed intimate. If not, he'll bail. Locked post. Its that they want to master a situation in which they felt helpless as children. My boyfriend is very insecure about me talking to other men. Freud called this repetition compulsion. Maybe this time, the unconscious mind imagines, I can go back and heal that wound from long ago by engaging with somebody familiarbut new. What is gaslighting? Don't find excuses for his bad behavior, and don't blame yourself. You can say that you dont feel that your needs are taken into account, and that because you want your relationship to thrive, you hope hell try to learn more about himself by seeing a therapist. 8 Things To Do When He Won't Commit But Won't Let Go When you text him back quickly or agree not to communicate with your guy friends, it fills his emptinessbut not for long. For more information, please see our You can say that you arent responsible for what his other girlfriends did, and that the only way for him to feel more secure in your love is for him to do the inner work required to understand his fear better. Help! She has slept with male strippers, been involved in aggressive sex with multiple partners that involved hitting, slept with a number of married men, cheated in most relationships, enjoyed getting choked during sex, and possibly even shared a sexual partner with her mother. We both agreed to not hang out with the opposite sex alone, whether in private or in public, and I can hang with that. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. This upset me as I dont have a huge amount of friends (6 girls and 3 boys), none of them I ever see and I would like to stay in touch with my male friends because theyre my friends? You can start by telling him that you understand his need to feel safe, but that his attempts to feel safe are pushing you away rather than making you feel closer and more connected to him. Just for reference, Im always working and dont have much time to see anyone besides my immediate family and him. However, he is respectful of any relationship I have ever been in and has never said anything or been inappropriate. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! Jealousy makes people act a certain way; the overprotective, domineering, annoying, intrusion of privacy. However, I have a few guy friends that I text and it really bothers him. A lot of them even get violent when they do which is bad on a high level. If you're already in a relationship, talk about its possible future and let him know that you want to move things forward with him. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Were in our early 20s and this is my first long term relationship. Im pre-everything and I dont plan to medically transition but all my friends know Im a guy. It may be hurting your mental health, How to tell if you're a 'conversational narcissist'. If not, how should I address the issue? The really tricky part is he probably really means it. All rights reserved. Sometimes people with trust issues choose untrustworthy people, because those people feel familiar to them. There's also the possibility that the person you've been dating hasn't been entirely truthful and may be keeping you away from friends and family in order to protect the image he or she has created. and our By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. She also didnt understand how it makes me dysphoric. But youre struggling with your sense that despite your mutual declarations of love, something feels off here and his demands seem unreasonable. Answer (1 of 9): He doesn't want any compitition. Is this reasonable? Please try again, or. This may be a red flag in itself. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Reddit, Inc. 2023. We put them all into a hat and read out the answers one by one to his face. I have never cheated and I never would. Since then, any time a man messages me my boyfriend freaks out. Being around him is never fun. He knows that I do not feel the same way and even before I started dating my current boyfriend, I ensured that it would never be discussed again. Am I just overthinking? I (34 f) have been dating my boyfriend (38 m) for like a year and a half. Arrogance. 'Cookie jarring': Have you been a victim of the dating trend? Things were perfect for the first 8 months, and I've visited him twice. You can let him know that when it comes to love, vulnerability is the price of admission; we risk our hearts in any intimate relationship, and you cant guarantee that youll never leave him any more than he can guarantee that to you. Whenever Im talking to a guy or a potential guy friend I always bring up that I have a boyfriend. He said a lot of rude things, like how i dont care about his comfort and how Im disrespecting him by talking to guys that Ive known longer than him. "They may be ashamed of their family and friends and may feel that if their date was to meet them, they would think less of them," says Jovanovic. I dont have a ton of female friends. Pocketing is a situation where the person you're dating avoids introducing you to their family and friends. I am desperate for some advice on how to build up trust between us. What is 'pocketing'? Here's how to tell if it's happening in your I know this isnt the right thing to do! Need help with your relationship? You say that hes been cheated on in all of his relationships. I asked my one female friend about this and she was like "yeah they probably dont actually care about you and are just hoping to get in you pants eventually". Ive always had friends who are boys and girls. Need help with your relationship? Here are the signs that it's happening to you. But I still dont get why he is so against it. The kind of safety he seeks can only come from within. It takes confidence to be intimate and committed. And if he does, he's not the guy for you. Cookie Notice Updated by the minute, our Dallas Cowboys NFL Tracker: News and views and moves inside The Star and around the league . The other two were my mom and a female friend. What youre experiencing is a possessive partnership, and its a form of unhealthy love that can range in intensity from unpleasant to potentially dangerous. This should be obvious. He's never gone to therapy, but I've proposed the idea and he is open to it. Its extremely invalidating and painful to be reduced to just my body parts. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Forgive me if this is a scattered mess, I am still not fully recovered from last night. Reddit, Inc. 2023. Why He Can't Let You Go (11 Possible Reasons) - Her Norm My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, in a long-distance relationship (we live two and a half hours apart). There was nothing ever sexual about my friendship with boys.
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